dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
