dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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