Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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