just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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