did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
