hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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