You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
