Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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