Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize