I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
did you just send me my own nude
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
