im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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