I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
