Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
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