I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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