I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I can't turn off my feet"
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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