FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
