the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
