Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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