when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
