I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
