I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
