Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Found your dick twin last night
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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