dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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