This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
