i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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