my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
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