Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Someone shattered a urinal.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
