when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
