So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
