i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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