i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Randomize
