a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize