i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I FOUND THE LEGS
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
