Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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