wat bout pragnant strippers??
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
