You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
