i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Help me help you realize you are a moron
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
