I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
