My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
