I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize