Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
