I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
