Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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