my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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