I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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