Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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