My nipple is on Facebook.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
