He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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