so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Randomize
