fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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