hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
what day is it and did you see me today?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
