I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize