I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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