Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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