no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
