i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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