God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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